Conflict

Maybe I am not mature enough to understand a lot of things, but what I have learnt, through different experiences, is enough for me to write about it. By no means does it mean that it would be a final word. There is no such finality in this world/ universe. Now I am sure that sounds a bit confusing, because we are born, that is a new life and then we die. What’s more final than death?


Here is my problem with death. Scientifically speaking when your organs fail you, or you have a shutdown, you are dead…..right? But then what about the part that you call your soul? If we were to believe in the existence of soul, then again scientifically speaking it is pure energy, and we all know that energy can be transmitted, and also change from one form to another, but then it never completely disappears, so how would you define that?
The same is the case with the microscopic universe and macroscopic universe………………again bursts of energy pulsating through an electron and a star. The black hole, which in our view is a ‘dead’ star also pulsates with gravity to the extent that it engulfs other stars, my question remains then where is the so called finality in this circle of life? And if there is no finality then what do we actually fear?
Do we fear loss of health? Loss of a loved one? Loss of property? Loss of self esteem? Now my question is very simple, how can you measure all of that? What is self esteem? And how would you measure that you have lost your self esteem? Or wealth for that matter? How much is enough? And when can you measure the fact that you have had enough? Well I guess in some sense loss of money and property through bad investments and bad luck can be measured to some extent. But if you have a billion dollars, do you think the loss of a dollar would be tantamount to loss of wealth? And if you have a billion dollars how much more would you want?


On the flip side if you have no money, you are on the streets and also not only dying of hunger but also a degenerative disease that you contracted while lying in filth, you would of course be resentful of the one who has a billion dollars but is not willing to give you even one. Thoughts of mugging and killing this arrogant prick are probably circling through your mind, and though I am not advocating violence, at some level you are justified in your reaction. The flip side is that you mug the guy, you get the money for a decent meal and a visit to the hospital but the prognosis is the same, you are ‘dying’ in less then a week as the disease has progressed and has managed to attack all your vital organs. Now what? You are ‘dying’ anyway so what would your reaction be? Anger towards the world? Your own mistakes which led you to this miserable state? Who would you blame and what purpose would it serve. As in my opinion regrets have no meaning if you are riddled with regret on your deathbed.
So the question remains, what motivates us to be the way that we are? Is it a part of a ‘grand design’? If yes then what is the ‘grand design’? And what purpose do we serve as mere mortals in this universe where the earth is smaller than an electron, and we of course inhabit this earth. So what about the galaxies, the nebulae and whatever other matter or energy is there. How do we fit in this vast cosmos and what is our purpose? If there is no life on any other planet then what was the reason for this universe to be created? And if human race is so superior then why do we stoop to murder, rape, wars?
There is internal conflict in all of us, it just so happens that we suppress questioning the rationale and just accept things the way they are. I am neither a pessimist nor an optimist but I do call myself a realist. So I question, this is my internal conflict, my own demons, I battle everyday.
People perceive me as a happy go lucky, nutty person who does and says the most outrageous things. But I have yet to discover myself, because if this is all I am then I am nothing more than a vermin born to irritate and infect others. But if my essence is not that of a blubbering idiot, why would I mask my inner demons? Why cant be one of the sad characters, always wallowing in self pity?
Logically speaking, one should never reveal too much of oneself to others………….it can be quite dangerous. Why should the whole world know the real you? There is no fun in that. The fun starts when the people get confused, you can see it in their eyes ………….the confusion, while they are trying to figure you out and you are just putting them off track. To this day what I haven’t understood, is the motive as to why everyone tries to figure you out, to fit you in one category or another. Isn’t it enough that we simply exist and therefore we are?
I am not deluding myself into thinking that I am very intelligent but did anyone ever manage to figure anyone out? To predict the other person, the reactions, the outbursts, or whatever else they want to predict. Isn’t it more fun not to be able to predict? I guess the root cause of all the fears is fear of the unknown and that is something that we avoid.
We avoid topics that we are not aware of, we fear death, loss of anything precious to us , because it is this innate fear of the unknown that eats us like termites within.
To be able to just let go …………………. Let things happen. That would make everyone much more bearable, do not think of me as a misanthrope. But like any other individual, I do question the logic, the motives and everything that goes with it. I question, therefore I am, therefore I can. That is the rule I live by. You must be wondering that I mentioned personal demons, but I did not specify. Well that’s the beauty of your personal demons, they are personal and that’s what makes you who you are. One should never change the essence of one’s being.
What then you would ask, about the interpersonal relationships? How important are they? Should they exist at all? Now a lot of people will argue on the fact that people need people, otherwise they would cease to exist. Well, I do not agree with that in principle.
If we are born alone, and also die alone, battle our personal demons that in turn means that we are in fact alone, and if we are destined to be alone, what is the purpose of proving yourself to anyone, have any relationship or anything. The lust of power, the battles fought over land and religions, the loss of life and all the rest of it. If in the end, we are alone then I do not believe we need to bother with much.
But if the philosophy is so simple, why do we make it so complicated by our ambitions, our brainless pursuit for glory. And yes talking of glory. Why should people crave for adulation? Is it because they want others to admire them because they lack something? Even if one does lack something………………whatever it may be, why would anyone want approval and validation from others? No one is perfect, there is no such thing as a saintly personality, then why would anyone want approval?
There are, however, cases where we hear about marvelous human interest and touching stories about the greatness of man. It serves no purpose other than to serve your own ego, for acts of heroism. And yes when we talk of great acts of kindness and heroism, there rises within oneself the innate need to be recognised and appreciated either by the people around them or by some promise of invisible heaven.

I don’t understand the concept of heaven and hell to begin with. Lets review, when you do as you are told in the commandments and do not sin, you go to heaven.



However, when you do not comply with the commandments handed down to you, you end up going to hell. Of course, the mere mention of the word hell, conjures up horrifying images of fire in the pit, with a pitchfork carrying horned Satan, where people are being tortured and the rest of it.




On the contrary, the concept of heaven brings to the mind images of serenity, saints, angles, trees and fruits. Now my question is how many people have actually seen it? Is this the reason that nowadays people are willing to blow themselves up in order to attain that level of peace.




There is some flaw in this logic, but when emotions come into play, logic tends to take a backseat.
We are creatures of the Universe in which entropy exists and instead of being the force to diminish entropy, the heat-death, we tend to accelerate the process of entropy.


As long as we accelerate the process of entropy, this force will be the destructive force in our lives, and one does not need to apply logic to it. It is basic common sense.